6 months later...

 

No one really acknowledges the long-term anguish that can come when you lose a furry loved one.  The fact that 6 months has already passed astonishes me since it feels like yesterday that Roy was with me.  It also feels like I haven’t been able to hold him for eternity.  The emotional toll of not having Roy fill my life is always unraveling and I still cannot talk about him without crying.  Even writing this is an incredible challenge.

When Roy first died, I was in shock and had trouble fully comprehending he was gone.  Immediately after, my other cat Loki was diagnosed with early stage kidney disease and then I was leaving for Florida for an internship.  I was leaving everything that reminded me of Roy behind, except for the small tin that contained his ashes.  They came along for the ride.

In Florida, I was also pretty busy, but mostly the lack of privacy stopped me from really processing my loss further.  I was sharing a 2-bedroom apartment with 5 others and there was no time to myself.  Although there were times I would cry in my car, or alone on the beach, I mostly kept the emotions hidden inside me.

One my 3-week road trip home, I was too distracted by the beauty of nature and the intrigue of new areas.   I was living in an amazing time where I felt truly alive and experiencing the world in a new way.  I was having too much personal growth to allow sorrow to interfere.

If Roy was not on my shoulder, he was sitting on my side like a Koala Bear.  So cute!

But then I got home.  The empty apartment was just a reminder of what was missing- Roy’s meows and cuddles and mischief.  Every time I went to the grocery store and saw corn I was holding back tears (and it’s corn season).  I was alone and not distracted and it felt awful.  

I really miss him.  And thinking back, I can’t help to question if I ended his life too soon.  I need to constantly look through photos of his life towards the end to remind myself that he was in pain.  Roy’s last day was a good one, which is many ways is great.  It’s better to go out on a positive note, right?  But that is also where the questioning comes in, because there is no clear answer to when the time is right.  If there is no questioning, you probably waited too long.  I read somewhere that looking back on the decision of euthanasia, no one ever says they did it too early, just too late.  Unfortunately that is not always true.

The other day marked 6 months since I lost Roy.  The reality of it all hit me hard and hasn’t left.  I am trying to remember to celebrate the life I had with him, and re-read this blog post about him and am watching my videos of him eating corn. There is no getting over this- just moving on and remembering his spirit.  I am sure years from now I will still laugh at his antics and cry from missing him.  I am sure I will always wonder if my decision was a good one, but that is the unbearable consequence about being responsible for another’s life and loving them so completely.

I wanted to write about this so others going through such loss can know that it completely normal.  Many of my friends recently lost animals and are struggling to move on.  It is also important for family and friends to support those who animal died, including weeks and months past the immediate loss. So often people suffer in silence with their loss, and it is difficult when people don’t recognize the pain that can continue.  Usually this loss hits weeks to months later, when most people would not think about asking if you are okay.  I don’t know all the answers since I am still trying to figure out how to move past the heavy feelings of loss to simply celebrating my time with Roy, but I am appreciative of the few people in my life that have been supportive and understanding.  

Roy' paw prints, taken a few months before he died.  I plan to get a version of this tattooed on my left shoulder blade- where he would often have his paws while cuddling on my shoulder.

Saying goodbye to a family friend

The latest birthday card sent to me by HJ- animal themed of course (December, 2013).

Today I found out Hazel Jeanne Rodgers died. Most people knew her as "Jeannie" and I knew her as "HJ". You do not know her, but the world lost a special person. Growing up, my sisters and I would receive a card from her for all the holidays throughout the year. And I mean every holiday; Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving, etc. For Christmas and birthdays we’d receive a present along with our card.

I was the only one that ever wrote her back with thank you letters. As I grew up, letters continued but instead of thank you’s, it was hello letters. I’d write more about what I had been up to and keep her up to date with all the family news. Once in awhile I would call her and we could easily talk for over an hour. 

HJ was like a close aunt and meant a lot to me. It is hard to put in words why she was such a strong influence in my life, but I guess she was like a lifeline away from my sometimes-chaotic childhood and supported my adventures through life.

When in high school, I started to get interested in animal issues. HJ was kind enough to get me subscriptions to animal rights magazines and organizations, which helped educate and shape me into a beginning activist. More recently, she sponsored an animal at a farm sanctuary in my name and got me a membership to People’s Committee for Responsible Medicine.

HJ was also generous on her own, giving funds to multiple human and animal welfare groups, including sponsoring a child in another country. She opened up her home to feral cats in her neighborhood, offering food and shelter to those who couldn’t be tamed and affection to the cats who wanted more. 

HJ is not survived by any family. She never married or had any children, but there is many people who will miss her dearly. Anyone who knew her would remember her as an extremely friendly and giving person. Since HJ is not having a memorial service, I wanted to honor her memory in some way. This blog post does not even begin to explain her amazing spirit, but I wanted to share with others a life that was truly extraordinary.

A Small Dose of Red Tide

WARNING: GRAPHIC IMAGES

 Many species of fish litter the beach due to red tide in Sarasota, FL

Walking back across the street from the beach, my eyes hurt so much that I could barely open my eyes.  I was at the beach maybe 20 minutes, but probably less.  Red tide was hitting the area and wind was stirring the water and blowing the neurotoxin towards the beach.   

 

A Silver Grunt among seaweed stranded on the dry beach.  

The last few days, I noticed floating dead fish in the waters.  Now, the beach is littered with multiple species of dead fish. Once home from the beach, I rinsed my eyes out with water, then sat on the ground and cried because it hurt so much.  Eventually I tracked down some eye drops so I could function once again. 

A pin fish dead on the beach due to red tide.

A large algae bloom causes red tide.  Under the right conditions, such as warm temperatures and coast upwelling, the algae multiply.  There are a variety of species that can cause algae blooms, but in these Florida waters, it is primarily caused by Karenia brevis, a type of dinoflagellate.  This is one example of a species that actually produce toxins. Luckily for humans the red tide organism, Kareneva brevis, is not deadly but it could cause respiratory distress and irritated eyes.

   

Spade Fish victim to red tide.

Red tide is a concern for many reasons.  The most obvious one is the killing of fish. Millions of fish have died due to this harmful algae bloom. Many species are affected and it’s sad to walk down the beach and see so much death.  It feels so ominous.   

 

Lane Snapper with its last gasp for oxygen frozen in time.

These fish deaths also affect those species that rely on them as a food source, such as dolphins.  In 2004, 107 dolphins died in Florida’s panhandle due to high levels of brevetoxins (the toxin found in Karenia brevis) from eating fish.  Manatees, birds and sea turtles can also die directly due to these toxins. 

 

Gafftopsail Catfish dead in the surf on Lido Key.

There is controversy around the cause of red tides. Some people believe that humans contribute to red tides so we harbor some blame.  Nitrogen and phosphorus, chemicals often found in fertilizers, can allow algae blooms to grown faster. According to NOAA, the occurrence of harmful algae blooms has been increasing. 

 A Cow Fish loses it's vibrant color after dying due to red tide.

This time, the red tide was short lived and the next day I could walk on the beach without coming home crying.  Other years the red tide has stayed around for months and killed countless animals and effected sea life populations.  It was interesting to see the effects, but I am glad it is now gone.

 

A Sand Seatrout is not very distinguishable about dying from red tide.