6 months later...

 

No one really acknowledges the long-term anguish that can come when you lose a furry loved one.  The fact that 6 months has already passed astonishes me since it feels like yesterday that Roy was with me.  It also feels like I haven’t been able to hold him for eternity.  The emotional toll of not having Roy fill my life is always unraveling and I still cannot talk about him without crying.  Even writing this is an incredible challenge.

When Roy first died, I was in shock and had trouble fully comprehending he was gone.  Immediately after, my other cat Loki was diagnosed with early stage kidney disease and then I was leaving for Florida for an internship.  I was leaving everything that reminded me of Roy behind, except for the small tin that contained his ashes.  They came along for the ride.

In Florida, I was also pretty busy, but mostly the lack of privacy stopped me from really processing my loss further.  I was sharing a 2-bedroom apartment with 5 others and there was no time to myself.  Although there were times I would cry in my car, or alone on the beach, I mostly kept the emotions hidden inside me.

One my 3-week road trip home, I was too distracted by the beauty of nature and the intrigue of new areas.   I was living in an amazing time where I felt truly alive and experiencing the world in a new way.  I was having too much personal growth to allow sorrow to interfere.

If Roy was not on my shoulder, he was sitting on my side like a Koala Bear.  So cute!

But then I got home.  The empty apartment was just a reminder of what was missing- Roy’s meows and cuddles and mischief.  Every time I went to the grocery store and saw corn I was holding back tears (and it’s corn season).  I was alone and not distracted and it felt awful.  

I really miss him.  And thinking back, I can’t help to question if I ended his life too soon.  I need to constantly look through photos of his life towards the end to remind myself that he was in pain.  Roy’s last day was a good one, which is many ways is great.  It’s better to go out on a positive note, right?  But that is also where the questioning comes in, because there is no clear answer to when the time is right.  If there is no questioning, you probably waited too long.  I read somewhere that looking back on the decision of euthanasia, no one ever says they did it too early, just too late.  Unfortunately that is not always true.

The other day marked 6 months since I lost Roy.  The reality of it all hit me hard and hasn’t left.  I am trying to remember to celebrate the life I had with him, and re-read this blog post about him and am watching my videos of him eating corn. There is no getting over this- just moving on and remembering his spirit.  I am sure years from now I will still laugh at his antics and cry from missing him.  I am sure I will always wonder if my decision was a good one, but that is the unbearable consequence about being responsible for another’s life and loving them so completely.

I wanted to write about this so others going through such loss can know that it completely normal.  Many of my friends recently lost animals and are struggling to move on.  It is also important for family and friends to support those who animal died, including weeks and months past the immediate loss. So often people suffer in silence with their loss, and it is difficult when people don’t recognize the pain that can continue.  Usually this loss hits weeks to months later, when most people would not think about asking if you are okay.  I don’t know all the answers since I am still trying to figure out how to move past the heavy feelings of loss to simply celebrating my time with Roy, but I am appreciative of the few people in my life that have been supportive and understanding.  

Roy' paw prints, taken a few months before he died.  I plan to get a version of this tattooed on my left shoulder blade- where he would often have his paws while cuddling on my shoulder.

Saying goodbye to a family friend

The latest birthday card sent to me by HJ- animal themed of course (December, 2013).

Today I found out Hazel Jeanne Rodgers died. Most people knew her as "Jeannie" and I knew her as "HJ". You do not know her, but the world lost a special person. Growing up, my sisters and I would receive a card from her for all the holidays throughout the year. And I mean every holiday; Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Thanksgiving, etc. For Christmas and birthdays we’d receive a present along with our card.

I was the only one that ever wrote her back with thank you letters. As I grew up, letters continued but instead of thank you’s, it was hello letters. I’d write more about what I had been up to and keep her up to date with all the family news. Once in awhile I would call her and we could easily talk for over an hour. 

HJ was like a close aunt and meant a lot to me. It is hard to put in words why she was such a strong influence in my life, but I guess she was like a lifeline away from my sometimes-chaotic childhood and supported my adventures through life.

When in high school, I started to get interested in animal issues. HJ was kind enough to get me subscriptions to animal rights magazines and organizations, which helped educate and shape me into a beginning activist. More recently, she sponsored an animal at a farm sanctuary in my name and got me a membership to People’s Committee for Responsible Medicine.

HJ was also generous on her own, giving funds to multiple human and animal welfare groups, including sponsoring a child in another country. She opened up her home to feral cats in her neighborhood, offering food and shelter to those who couldn’t be tamed and affection to the cats who wanted more. 

HJ is not survived by any family. She never married or had any children, but there is many people who will miss her dearly. Anyone who knew her would remember her as an extremely friendly and giving person. Since HJ is not having a memorial service, I wanted to honor her memory in some way. This blog post does not even begin to explain her amazing spirit, but I wanted to share with others a life that was truly extraordinary.

Part 2: My cat used to nap in a tree!

I have never met a cat with so much personality and problems as Roy.  He almost died the first month I adopted him from a humane society at about 3 years old.  He was lethargic and looking pathetic, so I took him to the vet.  Turns out he had a urinary tract infection and another day without treatment would have killed him. It was becoming a chronic problem, but then I realized his special diet due to allergies was actually causing it.  

 

Roy was a super odd cat, as he was allergic to most meat.  I tried all the specialty diets, but Roy refused to eat them all.  So I special ordered a vegan cat food with taurine just in case.  When it arrived, Roy was so tired of all his food options that he tore into the partially opened box and into the bag of food.  I guess he approved!  He ate this until his last year of life, when he suddenly decided he didn’t like it.  Luckily more options were available that he could eat at that time.

 

Roy hated other cats. I remember after getting approved to adopt Roy, I got him out of his cage and for the first time he could see the other cats around him and he hissed.  In my head I thought, “uh, oh”, but I had already fallen in love. I think he needed to be the focus of everyone’s attention and other cats compromised that.  My poor cat Loki was sometimes bullied, but they found a way to live with each other.  They never became friends though.  Loki became depressed when Roy passed away which took me by surprise.  

 

Roy also demanded to get his way.  He was a challenge to love at times, due to his showing anger at you with peeing on stuff.  It was a constant struggle to figure out ways to stop it.  There were even a few times he peed on me as well!  Luckily the last few years of his life this stopped, but it was the only thing about him that made me want to scream and cry.

 

One thing Roy was great at was getting in trouble.  I think it was mostly because he was such a curious cat. He even managed to get a thorn stuck in his eyeball!  I was so worried about him and had to take him to a specialist for surgery to remove it.  It cost about a grand, which I did not have, so luckily my parents were able to help me out and knew how much Roy meant to me.  

But no amount of trouble, or pee or attitude outweighed the laughs and love I got from Roy.  I have never met a cat so needing of attention.  He would often lie on my left shoulder and would just purr.  And it had to be my left shoulder.  If I tried to put him on my right shoulder, he would switch over right away.  The right shoulder just would not do.  He would also sometimes sit on my left side, kind of like a koala bear.  I would hold him there, and he would hold onto me and it was just adorable.  I could tell if Roy was extra happy I was home because when I picked him up, instead of just being on my shoulder, he would wrap himself around the back of my neck.  I really miss that.

Whenever I got home, Roy was at the door greeting me with a loud meow.  He was quite vocal!  I remember a time he saw another cat out of the window and screamed really loud like a little girl.  He meowed when he wanted to go outside, or when he wanted in, or when he wanted more food or water, or in the car, or when he wanted attention or when he wanted to tell Loki to go away or when he wanted to tell me something I could not understand.  

 

Recently I was in the vet office with Loki.  A women came in with her cat in a carrier and he was meowing over and over again, just like Roy used to do.  I smiled with fondness thinking about Roy and asked the woman about her cat.  I told her how I know it is annoying now, but won’t seem so thinking back on it. I never thought I would miss that about Roy!  

 

For a short period of time, I found myself living at my parent’s house.  One day I came home from work and as I walked towards the yard, I heard Roy’s distant meow but I could not figure out where it was coming from.  I looked all a round and kept hearing him meow.  I then heard some branches move, and looked up across the street to my neighbor’s yard and found Roy starting to climb down the tree.  Turns out, this was his hang out in the neighborhood.  After that, I would often come home and find him nestled up the tree napping.  What a wacko!  I loved it!

 

Another unique characteristic of Roy is his love for corn.  A friend had taught me how awesome eating corn raw is.  So I was partaking in the great treat and Roy was frantic to get at it.  Frantic!  He was swiping at the cob of corn and meowing like crazy.  I handed it over to him and he went to town.  He could eat a whole cob of corn within 15 minutes.  It became my party trick.  I would get the corn out and show him, and he would get so excited.  I would start to peel back the corn stalk and he’d rub against the corn, cause he loved it so much.  After he was done loving on it, he would start to dig in.  By the time he was done, the corn was mostly gone and his mouth and feet were wet from the juice of the corn kernels popping open from his bites.  It was a precious sight.  

This does not even begin to describe how amazing Roy was and how much I loved him.  I could tell you more stories about him breaking into people’s apartments to eat their food, or other trouble he got into, but people who met Roy even for a moment knew he was a special character.  I am not sure how I will go on without his love.  It kept me really strong.  But obviously I will.  I will never forget him, and his memories will always bring me joy.  If you have any to share, I would love to hear it.